Terrorists Welcome

(NT) - Oregon, always known for it's radical viewpoints, has once again stumped the rest of the nation with it's new "I, Terrorist" awareness program.

"I guess it's part of our comprehensive diversity goal", said a Corvallis, Ore., policewoman who asked to remain anonymous. "We've always tried to make people of other nationalities feel at home here; that's what America is really all about, at least I've always felt that way. It's not so much a country as a place where people from real countries can get together and share cultural values."

The "I, Terrorist" program aims to reduce the harassment and stigma attached to being a terrorist by showing the way terrorists see the world. Local schools are participating, with handouts to students that describe how threatening we as Americans really seem to potential terrorists.

Kim Sorenson is a high school history teacher who has been with the program from the beginning. "I don't think most Americans really understand the situation", she said. "It is absolutely terrifying to be a terrorist in this country. We're bombing the daylights out of their ethnic homelands. They're stigmatized in the news. They're subject to police harassment, endless searches, endless chances to get caught. And then what? Life in jail? Death?"

"I, Terrorist" is also having it's effects felt at the higher levels. Several Oregon cities have refused to cooperate with a federal push to question volunteers who might know something about terrorists. Sparking criticism from other states, Oregon has steadfastly refused to play along with the Attorney General's request.

"We are committed to protecting the solidarity of non-Caucasian ethnic groups, particularly those of the middle east," says Sorenson. "After all, they just want to livvv... do what they want to do, just like the rest of us. Isn't that what the Constitution says? All persons have the right to happiness, after all."

The new program is considered complimentary to the Oregon "Death with Dignity" act, a groundbreaking doctor-assisted suicide movement enacted two years ago by Oregon voters. The "I, Terrorist" program notes proudly that Oregon is rated number three in Baxter's Death Survey, a respected yearly report on the best places to die.

"We pride ourselves on death", Gov. John Kitzhaber said in a statement early this week. "We are THE place to kick the can, and this is only re-inforced by our work on 'I, Terrorist.'"

Kitzhaber was unavailable for further comment, but his office staff was well prepared to field any questions. "He's right", said one woman we talked to: "Not only are we top rated as a dying spot, we have plenty of countryside to spend the rest of your death in. You're practically guaranteed a stone under most insurance plans. And if you get a good solid one it'll probably last ten, fifteen years before the high schoolers find it. After that, of course, you're on your own."