Mr. Speaker, I'm Bored

I wonder sometimes whether legislators have enough to do. Do most people think that they really justified in making so many laws? Do most people care? (Remember: this is not, 'Pickles or onions with that, Ma'am?').

Now, California is a nice state in some respects. (Does this sound ominous, or what?) We recently took a two week vacation to Sunny California. Although our vacation heavily disproved the popular notion that the sun always shines in CA, the amount of sun we did witness was a nice break from our usual Oregon gloom. "You call THIS sun?", one of our California relatives was heard to say. "Then why is there water coming from the sky?"

We did, however, learn a couple of important facts during our visit. I have listed them here:

1) California has lots of palm trees.

2) California has more rules than it has palm trees.

3) Californians themselves obey none of these rules.

I felt that my personal knowledge about this unique state was greatly increased. In fact, if you ever have a question about this state, I can tell you the answer right now: "That's illegal!". The other answer is, "There is legislation pending." I think that the best thing that could happen to California would be if someone could sneak into the state Capitol with a tranquilizer one day and subdue the legislators:

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GUNMAN IN CALIFORNIA TRANQUILIZES 251

Sacramento, California (ap) - In a new episode of the shooting epidemic sweeping the globe, a California lawmaker opened fire in a joint meeting of senate, tranquilizing over two hundred fellow legislatiors. The suspect, Senator John Wilboxer (D), 49, tranquilized himself in the leg after a two-hour standoff with police.

Witnesses say that at 10:45 AM this morning, a middle-aged man wearing dark glasses and shorts emerged from a late-model red convertible, carrying a sack. He was seen entering the senate chamber, moments before opening fire.

"I was really lucky", said Congresswoman Jane McElroy (D), a witness to the event. "This guy came in the room, and shouted something that sounded like, "Get a life, Senators!". He started shooting this gun. All I could see were masses of people shouting and running for the door. There would be a 'pop, fsst', and someone would sink to the floor with a silly grin on their face. One aide went out of her wits and just stood there screaming until she was tranquilized, too."

Attorney General Janet Reno termed the shooting a hate crime and proposed federal aid to help soothe the families of victims, in a statement made before the House today. "Some people just don't understand politicians", she said . "They think that [the politicians] waste time and money making useless laws. They express their hatred by senseless tranquilization of innocent legislators."

Political anylists think that this will help fuel anti-gun laws now being considered in Washington. "People just have to realize how dangerous it is when anybody with $500 can go out and buy a dart gun", said Dr. Jim Drapes, a professor of Political Science at UCLA. When asked if 'anybody' included senators, he replied, "Absolutely."

Several members of the California Senate who escaped this morning's tirage are already prepared to help prevent this sort of event in the future. "We need more laws, defiitely", said one legislator, who requested anonmity. "I want to keep this from happening again. We have a reponsibility to the future. I'm going to propose a ban on red convertibles."

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Of course, even if something like this were to happen, I doubt that it would make much of a long-term impact. Californians would be driving too fast to notice.

The attitude of the Californians themselves was illustrated for me by a friend of mine, as we were driving together. He reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a cel phone. "You know", he said, flipping the phone open. "They just made handheld phones illegal while driving. Said it was too dangerous. I agree with them, people ought not to gab while they're trying to drive." Beep, boop boop beep. "Hello, Yolanda?..."

Biking is legislated, in California, too. "You know, while we were biking yesterday, I wasn't sure what the rules were here", I asked. "Do you have to wear helmets? Can you ride on the sidewalk?"

"Oh, yes. We have strict bicycle laws. Helmets are mandatory, and so are sports shirts and Gatorade. Riding on the sidewalk is illegal."

"Illegal? You mean like that guy over there is doing?"

"Yeah."

The way I see it, the government ought to establish some sort of anti-legistlation corps. These people could put on rubberized suits and call themselves the Lawbusters. They would be equipped with black permanent markers. Their job would be browse through the lawbooks until they found a dumb law, at which point they would draw their markers and destroy it! Think about the way laws are made: we, the American People, for some reason pay money so that a lot of other people can sit around and make laws all day long! Granted, some of the laws are necessary and good; but when you have that many people employed full-time making laws, there comes a point at which they are making laws out of pure boredom, and you had better also have a bunch of people paid to destroy laws all day long, to balance things out. Have you ever wondered what senators and representatives do all day? I mean, if you're a legislator, every once in a while someone calls you on the phone to complain about something or other and you show up and get your picture taken. Of course, there are scandals and speeches and hearings, but unless you're in the big leagues you just plain won't have enough scandal to fill your time. There might be plenty of scandal material, but NBC simply isn't interested if Rhode Island has an in-state senator with a Wrigley's Gum addiction. Suppose for a moment that you are a senator. Most of the laws that really needed to be made were already made before you were born, and you know this. So what do you do all day? I'll tell you. You probably have a desk -- a nice big desk, with two telephones -- and a secretary named Margaret. While you are doodling on your embossed stationery one day, your pen dries up. Aha! You sense a new law here somewhere. Of course, pens shouldn't dry up like that, you think. It's dangerous, because someone in a nuclear plant somewhere might be writing something down, something vitally important, and then his pen dries up -- no warning, nothing. The plant explodes. Chaos ensues. You ask Margaret for her opinion, and she says that if you want to know what she thinks, she just hates it when pens go out on her.

That settles it. You start drafting new laws that will Revolutionize the Way Pens Are Produced. All new pens manufactured after August will be required to contian an electronic device indicating ink level at all times. A buzzer will be required to warn of low ink. Stickers will be placed on ball point pens stating that they are not intended for use in nuclear facilities.

As a result, the price of pens goes up, three manufacturers go out of business, and your state changes to pencils.

Of course, sometimes people do things that are either a) so extremely dumb or b) so unexpected that the legislature makes a brand new law, just for the occasion. One example of a Law Against Strange Things was, if I remember correctly, a law that prohibited causing minors to hurt (in this case, cut) themselves. This came about due to a man who thought he was a vampire and...you can guess the rest.

As far as Laws Aginst Dumb things go, there are plenty of potential laws walking around the streets today disguised as dumb people. Before you know it, one of these folks will do something dumb and hey presto, we have a new law.

You don't beleive that most people are dumb? Just listen to the way commercials are run on the radio. It sounds like they're talking to a bunch of renegade idiots with ego problems:

"Are you an absolute goober with credit? Do you have a credit rating that stinks worse than your brother's socks? Are you an irresponsible lout who can't keep up on mortgage payments because you keep hooking things at work and loosing your job? GET THE TREATMENT THAT YOO DESERVE TODAY!! AstONishing credit rates! Just for you, but only while offers last, or until the polar ice cap melts, whichever comes later!"

Or card ads:

"Now a NEW product especially for YOO! Get this deluxe foil-coated credit card and buy all the junk you can stuff into your house with NO MONEY DOWN and NO PAYMENTS for 20 years! One quick signature can fix you for life! (AnnualPercentageRate165%AnythingWeSaidInThisAdMayBeALieWeTakeNoResponsibility) Make the smart decision today!!"

Perhaps the population would be better off if the educational system was better than it is. No, I don't mean "If the educational system had more money." If I were a politician, that is what I would mean, but I am not a politician.

TEACHER: Class, welcome to fourth grade. I am your math teacher. Today we will study ourselves. We want to make sure that everyone has enough self esteem, diversity, and Ritalin.

BILLY: What is ten times ten?

SAM: Seven.

BILLY: That's not true.

SAM: It is true in my reality.

BILLY: I find that offensive to my self esteem.

TEACHER: Oh, dear. We don't have enough minorities in here. Someone go and borrow some of Mr. Lill's minorities.

SAM: (censored)

TEACHER: Sam! For that, you get five minutes of diversity exercises after class! Now, since Billy asked, does anybody know ten times ten?

(silence)

TEACHER: We need more computers in here. I hate working in this cheap place. (pause) Ah, good, the minorities are here! You know, students, it's very important to have the proper classroom demograhics to ensure adequate federal funds.

FELIPE: Teacher, I hate being a minority! Why do you keep dragging me from room to room?

TEACHER: It's all part of diversity.

FELIPE: (censored)

TEACHER: Felipe, you get to do diversity training with Billy after class! Now who knows ten times ten?

(pause)

BILLY: 14.23345

TEACHER: No calculators!

(pause)

TEACHER: OK, I'll tell you. Ten times ten is one hundred! Got that, Billy and Sam?

SAM: No, it aint, not in MY reality! It's seven!

TEACHER: Sam, have you had your Ritalin today? No? Take your Ritalin! For Pete's sake, you would think you were a kid or something, the way you squirm. Now, take out your WorldWideMath books. We will study multiculturalism and math in different countries, and how they do math everywhere. In China, they do math on an abacus. This is why they needed to steal our nuclear plans. In Japan, fourth-graders like you solve integro-differential equations with a pencil. In Antartica, the penguins use their toes. And here in the USA, we are coming to realize that math is unimportant, as long as we have self esteem, or at least Japanese friends.

BILLY: Teacher, Sam just stoned on Ritalin.

No doubt, all you lawmakers and teachers will soon be storming out en masse to break my keyboard over my head. Of course there are many of you just doing your job as best you can, who don't deserve much criticism. For everyone else, though, I say: Try Ritalin. It really helps with the nerves.

If you really want to get a good index of national stupidity, though, think about the lottery for a moment. Remember how, from time to time, the jackpot gets really big? And remember how, for some reason, everyone gets excited and buys more tickets because the jackpot is so big? They think, "Wow, 150 million dollars! I'd better take three tickets, just to make sure I win." After all, you wouldn't want to miss $150 million, would you? So everyone buys lots of tickets. Do they win? Of course not. The winner is always a gas station attendant named Sally with the I.Q. of warm lettuce. She will spend her money on the lottery and be back pumping gas within three months.

Of course, the Lottery department doesn't want you to know this, so they put up advertisements featuring the face of someone who looks like Goofy. "Look!", they say. "Even ugly people, people with warm lettuce I.Q.s like Wally here, can win $5000 playing the lottery!!" You knew this already. What they don't remind you is that for every $1 that Wally won, somebody else lost $1.50. That's how lottery works. There is no free ride.

Insurance runs along some of the same lines. Of course, with insurance you get something for your money, even if that something is nothing more than the knowledge down in your heart that if the worst came to the worst, the insurance adjuster would squirm out of paying you any money. On the bad side, though, you start to see through the ruse when you realize that insurance companies are actually profit-producing companies! That means that in all probability, you will get the short end of the stick, and more money will flow out of your pocket than out of theirs. The insurance company, in fact, never deals with anything but long ends. They have many people working for them who know about surveys and math and statistics and probabilities, and these people agree that you will likely get the short end. If you didn't, they wouldn't deal with you.

In case you've forgotten the original point by now, this demonstrates that the lawmakers are partially justified in making so many laws, because they know that it keeps the population out of trouble. If it weren't for laws mandating locks on gas caps to prevent the insertion of warm cigarette butts into gasoline tanks, someone would invariably do it and blow himself to rags. Someone probably already did it, and testified to Congress: "Mr. Speaker, my smoke was almost out, and I notice this little round lid, so I thinks, 'hey, what a perfect place!' and I puts my butt in, and BOOM!"

But what do you expect? Isn't this what it's all about?